Bhakti files #10 Who is leading who?
About 30 years ago I was visiting my Guru’s Ashram in the beautiful Himalayan foothills during the celebration of Durga Puja, a continuous 9 day fire offering of prayers to the Divine Mother. The 10th day traditionally coincides with the Festival of Rama’s triumph over the demon king Ravana. At Kainchi Ashram this is always marked with a 24 hour, non stop chant of “Shri Ram Jaya Ram, Jaya Jaya Ram”.
When the shifts for leading the kirtan were assigned, I was given the “favorite” spot of 3:00 AM. Great! I had almost a whole day to prepare, to rest, to plan the perfect melody, to ready myself for my most sublime kirtan moment…….when I would be accepted and acknowledged as a great American kirtan singer…….(Wow, ego can sure be a subtle “companion”, cant it?)…..The sun set…..The moon rose over the Himalayas…..I napped……I meditated…..And finally the hour arrived! As I took my seat at the harmonium I prayed for my voice to be strong and began to sing my Indian melody…… But when I heard the voices singing back to me and opened my eyes, what I saw and experienced will be indelibly etched in my deepest consciousness. Here, under the canopy of the night sky, with the stars twinkling and the moon glowing, was a gathering of mountain people, villagers, who, totally empty of “personality”, were filled with the ancient spirit of devotion. Wholly dedicated to this practice of prayer and song, they were doing just as their parents had done, as their grandparents and greatgrandparents before them had done, singing the mantra “Shri Ram Jay Ram Jay Jay Ram” throughout the night, throughout their entire lives. The vibration of selflessness and surrender was truly breathtaking, and I realized the presumption of my belief that I was a kirtan “leader”. Who was really leading whom? What actually was my role? I saw that I was merely filling a function, being a focus for an hour of melody….One hour in an endless river of prayer, of tears, of longing, streaming from antiquity. And that the prayer itself was the leader…..
That moment is with me always, particularly when I sit before a group of friends or students or strangers to “lead” an evening of kirtan. I pray to let the spirit guide us all, and try to offer my ego, my “self will” to my Guru. “Thy will be done”.