I’ve spent a lot of hours, days and weeks of my life looking back at my childhood and trying to reconstruct, remember and somehow heal the reverberations of abuse and trauma. I used to think that the only legacy I got from my mother was one of alcoholism and self hatred. And still my Guru would tell us: “Mother is higher than God!” I couldn’t put it together.
But there was one thing that my mother used to do for me that became imbedded into my core because of it’s simplicity and sweetness. Whenever I had a tummy ache, which was often, she would gently rub circles on my belly and sing: “Noodles and strudels and lots of little poodles”. She was, of course, a dog lover. And a Jewish one, hence the strudel.
Tonight as I was putting my little boy to sleep, I had a strange and moving experience. After we read some books and told some giggly stories, I turned the light off and said goodnight. Then, with a voice so soft I had to lean in to hear, Ezra asked for “noodles and strudels”. With all my ‘Rams’ and ‘Krishnas’ and ‘Shivas’ he wanted noodles and strudels….. I felt my mother so strongly in the room and I felt her love and her gifts to me and writing about it now I have tears in my eyes.
What does this mean? I don’t really know, except maybe love is way bigger and stronger and longer lasting than the damage done by ignorance and fear. Maharaj-ji said “The only thing that’s important is how much you love God!”. And when asked “What is the best form to worship God?”, He answered simply: “Every form”.
much love,
